3 Autobiographies

3 Autobiographies


Auto-Biography #1

Early in his career, Kiran Nagarkar was sacked from his post as lecturer in English because he failed to pass every student. Sacking has, indeed, been a way of life with him. On the rare occasions when he has escaped this fate, the companies he worked for have gone bust and folded up.
As a bilingual author, Nagarkar works in Marathi and English. He writes novels, plays and screenplays; film, theatre, social, and literary criticism. All of them very occasionally. He has yet to win the Booker, the Whitbread, the Pulitzer, the Nobel and India’s highest honour, the Bharat Ratna, (not that he has won any of the lowlier awards either).

Nagarkar is in the Guiness book of records as the author of a novel that is considered a milestone and a classic in Indian literature and which took just twenty-seven years to sell one thousand copies. Can Dan Brown ever match those incredible figures? Incidentally, the rumour is that Nagarkar was the sole buyer of all the thousand copies.

Oh, one last thing. He is close to six feet tall, wears ankle length clingy crepe silk harem pants and has great legs.


Auto-Biography #2

Born in 1497, Kiran Nagarkar lives on a private island off the coast of Bombay a.k.a. Mumbai with his fifth wife, seventy-one children, fourteen cats, twenty-one dogs and five platypuses. In his spare time, he breeds crocodiles and Komodo dragons.

A technological wizard, he is credited with the invention of the re-usable condom, the hexagonal wheel and supersonic aircraft that travel below the surface of the earth. One of India’s leading entrepreneurs, he has recently started the world’s first fool-proof and failsafe ‘Disappearance Service’ whereby you can have anybody bumped off anywhere in the world entirely by accident. Needless to say, for a price. (For further details contact www.happyaccidents.com)

As a pastime Nagarkar writes children’s books, metaphysical tomes like The Spiritual Dimensions of Knitting with Seven Needles, hard-core pornography, and books on how to manufacture WMDs in your backyard or better still, in your kitchen.


Auto-Biography #3

Nagarkar is perhaps the most prolific author the world has seen. No other author has written under as many pseudonyms as he has. Amongst his various pen-names are Charlotte Roche, William Shakespeare, Kalidas, Jane Austen, García Márquez, Barbara Cartland, Jackie and Joan Collins, Salman Rushdie, Saramago, M.M. Kaye, Tukaram, Louis-Ferdinand Céline, Don DeLillo, Goethe and Shobha De, to name only a few.

Amongst his most well read books are the Bible, the Gita, the Torah, and Chicken Soup for the Mentally Unchallenged.


These are not the real facts about Kiran Nagarkar. That you should have known already..!!!